| Sep. 30th, 2007 @ 11:30 pm Arrowette – Warjournal 2007-09-28 |
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Current Mood:  creative
Arrowette – Warjournal 2007-09-28
Dear warjournal, today I have decided to get back into the superhero business. Right now I have an appointment with the Outsiders; they are going to test me and see if I can walk the walk. YAY ME! Wish me luck, warjournal!
8:30 – I show up at Outsiders HQs. Oooh, I am so exited. I hope I don’t screw up.
8:35 – Batman finally shows up. He grabs an entire pot of coffee and throws the coffee into his face. He gargles with the coffee for a while before drinking it. W.T.F?
“Look, girl, this is the Outsiders, we are the most crazy hardcore superhero team EVER. We do things other teams would never dare to do! You have to be prepared to break the law, to do things that would disgust your mother! Are you prepared to eat a bug?”
“Hmm… No, I don’t think I would eat a bug, sir.”
“Me neither… those things are creepy. Are you prepared to break the law? WOULD YOU BREAK THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS?”
“I… I… I don’t think it’s physically possible.”
“I can break the laws of thermodynamics! You know why?”
“No sir.”
“Cause I am the goddamn Batman, that’s why!” Then Batman grabbed his cape and flapped his arms a bit like a bat.
Oh shit.
8:40 – While Batman is chugging his third pot of coffee in one go, Martian Manhunter shows up.
“Hello,” says Jonn.
“Wrrrghgt wdsdoijcjsd bgtrhgrgrg,” says Batman while coffee drops from his mouth.
“Hi, Mr. Manhunter. I am here for my test.”
“Hello, Speedy. How is Ollie?”
“I am not Speedy.”
“Oh, you humans look all alike… Connor Hawke?”
“I am not boy.”
“Really? I thought boys where the ones with no tits. Well, you are not Green Arrow; that much I know.”
“I am Arrowette, and I got tits… I just have to stand very straight for you to notice, though.”
“Still not seeing them.”
“I just have to bend back a little more. How about now?”
“Ah, there they are.”
8:45 – Batman is twitching now.
“Mr. Manhunter, I would like to take my test, but Batman… he is weird today.”
“Is he? Hey, Bats, when was the last time you slept?”
“Sleep? Sleep? Sleep? Not too long ago… today is Monday, right?”
“No, it’s Friday.”
“Ah, then I guess it’s been ten days.”
“TEN DAYS?” I yell. “That’s not humanly possible!”
“I am the goddamn Batman, I do the impossible with stuff from my belt!”
“I don’t think that’s healthy Mr. Batman, maybe you should lie down for a while…”
“No! Criminals don’t sleep, and neither do I!”
“Actually, sir… criminals do sleep.”
“I agree with Speedy, criminals have been known to sleep,” said Jonn.
“Arrowette.”
“Whatever. Just let Batman be. If we try to make him sleep he will just whine and bitch for a while. It’s better to just leave him alone until he passes out.”
8:50 – Batman is now trying to pour some coffee into his utility belt. He is not succeeding.
8:55 – Weeee! Now we are flying in the batplane to the site of our mission! Wait a minute… Batman is piloting. OH FUCK!
“Mr. Manhunter, Mr. Manhunter, isn’t it dangerous to let Batman pilot a plane in his state?”
“Not to me, I am practically indestructible.”
“I am not.”
“Well, you should have thought of that before picking shooting bubble bath arrows as your superpower.”
8:56 – Damn… he’s got a point.
8:59 – No, wait! I didn’t choose my power!
9:00 – I just thought of a pretty good comeback line, but it has been five minutes. It’s too late, if I say it now it would be lame no matter how awesome it really is. I hate it when that happens! Stupid French esprit d’escalier.
9:05 – Okay, it’s officially way too late to respond now.
9:25 – Martian Manhunter just opened a bag of Oreos! That’s great cause I am starving.
“Mr. Manhunter, can I have a cookie, please?”
“No! I bought this bag for myself. If you wanted Oreo cookies, you should have bought one before we left.”
“But… but… but…”
9:26 – BASTARD!
9:33 – Darn, I am hungry.
9:39 – The goddamn Batman suggests I eat a rat.
9:40 – The goddamn Batman actually has a cooked rat in his utility belt!
9:41 – OH MY GOD HE TOOK A BITE! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!
10:10 – And we have finally arrived! Now we are in Ivy Town. Batman hit a car when he tried to park the batplane. He blames the parked car. Martian Manhunter is eating pizza now.
“When did you buy that pizza?” I ask.
“Oh, just a minute ago.”
“Did you buy me a slice?”
“I read your mind before going, and you didn’t want any, so no.’
“But, but, but, but that’s because I didn’t know you were going to buy pizza!’
“Well, you should have thought about that before not thinking about wanting pizza.”
10:11 – I am starting to hate Martian Manhunter.
“Are you ready for your test, girl? Are you ready to do the unthinkable for the good of the planet? Are you ready to do hardcore extreme crazy stuff? Do you think you can join the Outsiders? Do you, punk?”
“Oh sure, why not, Bats?”
“See that tree?”
“Yeah.”
“See the cat on the tree?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you bad enough dude to rescue president cat?”
“If by that nonsense you mean climb the tree and bring down the stupid cat, then sure.”
“Then go! Martian Mahunter and I will stay here and observe.”
“Actually, I will go to that Dunkin Donuts and buy some donuts. After that I will observe, from time to time, while not busy with my donuts, uninterested in whatever the hell Speedy here is supposed to do, but I will observe… in my way,” said Jonn.
10:17 – Okay, now I am standing under the tree, and the stupid cat is meowing. A little lovely kid in a sailor outfit walks towards me.
“Miss! Miss! Are you here to rescue Mister Snuffles from that mean old tree?”
“Sure, kiddo! Don’t worry; I’ll bring Mr. Snuffles down in a heartbeat!”
“It’s all the fault of Mrs. Witherspoon’s nasty dog, Beelzebub.”
“Well, that nasty dog won’t bother Mr. Snuffles while I am here, just you watch.”
“Oh, that’s great to hear, because Beelzebub is right behind you.”
Then the kid turned around and ran to his house at supersonic speed. I look behind.
10:18 – SWEET MOTHER OF ALL FUCKING SHIT! THAT DOG IS HUGE! It’s like Marmaduke, that dog from The Omen and Cujo had a love child raised by Nazi mad scientist on just steroids and then possessed by Satan!
Dear Warjournal, now I am on top of the tree with the cat. Super-Cujo there is barking at both of us. God bless whatever crazy DNA strand dogs lack that doesn’t let them climb trees.
Oh shit! The dog is trying to bite the tree down!
Oh, okay, not even Evil-Marmaduke can knock down a tree with bites.
10:25 – The dog is not getting bored. I look for Batman and Martian Manhunter for help. Okay, Martian Manhunter is standing there eating a cone of ice-cream, but where is Bats? Oh, there he is… HOLY SHIT! HE LOST CONSCIOUSNESS! He finally passed out. I guess I’ll have to ask Jonn for help.
10:26 – I wave my hand at Jonn and hope he pays attention. Okay, Martian Manhunter is waving back, and now he is walking… he is walking… he is walking to a Taco Stand. Okay… and now he is buying a taco… and now he is eating the taco. SHIT! I NEED RESCUING! HELP! HEEEELP! HEEEEEEEEEEELP!
11:00 – That dog certainly is not getting bored. The stupid cat keeps meowing. Batman is still unconscious on the floor. Martian Manhunter is cooking a barbecue. The dog is still under the tree waiting for me or the cat to fall. I am hungry. :-(
11:15 – HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP! I am going to shoot an arrow at the dog. This dog is obviously satanic and I don’t think anyone will miss him.
FLY, ARROW, FLY!
The dog caught the arrow with his mouth.
The dog is eating my arrow now.
11:30 – An old lady has showed up. I guess that must be Mrs. Witherspoon, the owner of the dog, since the dog hasn’t tried to jump on top of her and eat her face.
“Oh my stars! Young girl, what are you doing on top of that tree like a monkey. Don’t tell me my little Beelzebub scared you. Why he is just a lovable old scamp; he wouldn’t hurt a fly.”
Considering that I just saw the dog dissect a bird and kill a beetle just by looking at it, I’m not going to believe the old bat’s words.
“Lady, would you please take away your pooch so I can climb down and return this cat to its owner?”
“Oh why certainly! He is a very obedient dog; I have been training him since I summoned him from the Nether… I mean, since I bought him from the pet store!”
11:48 – This old lady has been pulling that dog’s leash with all the strength her semi-comatose and probably syphilitic frame can muster, which is not much. The stupid dog has not moved an inch. I don’t think he has even noticed the old lady. A crowd has gathered around Martian Manhunter; he is using his Martian vision to cook the world’s biggest cake. Batman is still unconscious. I think part of the crowd is standing on him. I am hungry and that cake smells good. It’s time for some drastic actions. First I’ll save the cat!
11:50 – I take the rope from my rope arrow and I tie up the cat to one of my arrows. OUCH! FUCKING CAT SCRATCHED ME! Ok, now I got myself a cat-arrow. I aim the cat arrow at an open window in the house where that little kid lives and shoot. FLY, CAT-ARROW, FLY!
11:51 – Okay, so the window was not actually open. I hope all that broken glass doesn’t hurt the kitty.
11:52 – You know, part of my plan involved the dog getting distracted by the cat arrow, and me jumping down and then running away to safety. The darn bastard dog didn’t stop watching me with his demonic eyes for one second! Well, at least I managed to save the kitten, assuming it survived crashing through a glass window.
“STUPID DOG!” I yell while I hit the branch with my fist to demonstrate how angry I am.
*Crack*
Crack?
Oh yes, “crack”. I think I just broke the branch with my fist, which by the way is a lethal weapon! STUPID STUPID KARATE BRICK BREAKING TRAINING!
11:53 – Maybe the branch won’t break and I’ll be fine up here.
AH FUCK SHIT! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
11:54 – Ouch! My ass hurts! I felt on my ass! I check my surroundings. Okay, I am not inside Kyla Rayner’s fridge. There is not a goth girl with top hat on sight. There is no guy with medieval armor and skies either. Well, I guess I am not dead. The old lady is yelling at me.
“What have you done? What have you done!?”
“I think I just karate chopped a branch and then I fell on my ass. That pretty much sums it up.”
“I don’t care about your ass, you killed my poochie!”
Apparently I fell down on top of the dog and I broke its neck with my ass. My ass is now also a lethal weapon.
11:55 – I think I can stand up. Yes, nothing broken, I can stand up. Old lady is still yelling.
“You killed my poor Beelzebub! He never hurt anyone! Who do you think you are? Who do you think you are?”
“I’ll tell you who I am, lady! I am Speedy, the sidekick of goddamn Green Arrow! If I want to kill a dog, I kill a goddamn dog! And you can’t stop me! If you get yourself a new dog, I’ll come back and kill that one too! And you can tell that to everybody!”
Then I ran away from the scared old lady.
11:57 – I catch up with Martian Manhunter before he enters a Chinese restaurant.
“Mr. Manhunter, can we leave this place really, really quickly?”
“Yeah, sure. How did your mission go?”
“I think I rescued the cat. I haven’t gone to the house to check, and I am afraid of doing that, so I won’t. But I like to think the kitten survived being shot at a glass panel.”
“Well, I guess that’s good enough. I don’t really care either.”
“Does that mean I am now a member of the Outsiders?”
“Oh, probably not. Batman was the one evaluating you and he fell unconscious halfway through. He’ll wake up tomorrow and I doubt he’ll remember the past four days. I’ll probably need a few hours to convince him he became the leader of the new Outsiders. Convincing him that he tested a girl who shoots shampoo-arrows and that he ate a rat… I don’t think I can do that.”
“Oh poo. Did you at least save me some cake?”
“That I did! No, wait… I didn’t. I gave your piece to a hobo.”
12:02 – Martian Manhunter just picked up the unconscious Batman and now we are all going back home.
13:10 – And now I am back home. I guess I didn’t make it into the Outsiders, but at least I got a victory of sorts.
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