Welcome to the Dan Didio advisory and warning system. The purpose of this system is to inform all DCU characters, especially survivors from Giffen’s JLA, Young Justice and the New Gods, of the Didio threat level as calculated by the Batcomputer, the Absorbascon and the Tandy Computer Whiz kids (Brought to you by Radioshack!); and to guide our protective measures against the menace of that which is known as Didio.
Please read the following chapters carefully, so you may always be alert and prepared in case of a Didio attack.
GREEN – Low Risk.
The sun is shining in the sky, there is not a cloud in sight, the birds are singing! It’s a beautiful day! It’s the perfect day to get out of the house or comic book limbo and take a hike through our beautiful multiverse. Visit scenic Gemworld! Get hit in the face with a giant mace in Thanagar! Climb Challenger Mountain! Just remember at all times that the threat level can change at any minute and you can end up dead in a ditch covered with Super Gorilla Grodd’s semen in a heartbeat.
- Use lots of sunblock.
- Wear the special anti-Didio helmet.
- Don’t leave the helmet on a chair, you might forget and sit on it. IT HURTS LIKE SHIT!
- Drink at least eight glasses of water a day.
- Brush your teeth after every meal.
- If Gorilla Grodd appears and invites you to walk with him towards a ditch, CALL AN ADULT!
BLUE– Threat of Emo.
You will most probably be all right physically, but your entire family and all your friends will die in a freak accident involving and airplane crash; a supervillain attack; or something involving Gorilla Grodd, a ditch and his semen. This will of course make you very sad and leave you an insufferable mess of tears and pessimism for years to come.
Early warning signs of the threat of emo:
- Your entire family will get together for barbecue. Watch out for super Nazi puke!
- Going out to the movies with your parents on foot. “Come on, Brucie, it’s just a dark, filthy alley in the middle of the night in Gotham City, what’s the worst that could happen? Oh, it’s called Crime Alley, what a delightfully curious name!”
- Your brother/sister calls you to say “Hey, we are going out with Gorilla Grodd; he says there is this awesome ditch we have to check out! He said we should bring some lube.”
- Don’t answer the phone during Blue Alert! It’s just to tell you your friend/mother/father/waiter at Olive Garden you were fond off has died! Disconnect the phone, sit on a corner and sing “LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA” out loud until the threat passes.
- Keep prozac pills with you at all times.
- Avoid cheap booze, especially the cheap booze that comes in paper bags. There is nothing worse that the drunkard miserabilist whose entire family just died. Those bastards are depressing.
- Think happy thoughts.
- If you are returning back home and you find police cars and a few ambulances parked right in front of your house, turn around and run. Find yourself a nice apartment and never try to go back to your house again.
- Cheer up, asshole!
YELLOW – Evil!
Having a kind heart and helping others is no reason to think becoming evil can’t happen to you! During a yellow alert, even the nicest and cuddliest people can suddenly stab you in the ass with a rusty knife. Amoral but amiable, funny venture capitalists can suddenly try to take over the world just to get killed by wonder Woman, noble, silent kung-fu experts can become the leaders of evil organizations. Nobody is safe from evil!
Warning signs that YOU might be turning evil:
- You carry a flamethrower in your purse for no specific reason.
- Deathstroke is your drug dealer.
- You can now cackle maniacally with a straight face.
- Killing all Green Lanterns and recreating the universe at your will sounds like a good thing to do in the weekend.
- Don’t drink anything Deathstroke gives you. You shouldn’t be anywhere near the guy, the old coot is a pedophile. Deathstroke is only a threat for underage girls with less than C-Cups. If Deathstroke is near, grow up really fast, or pad your bra with tissue papers or coconuts. Stand on your toes pretending you are taller than you really are or wear high heels. He will suddenly lose interest in you and start stalking the nearest high school for bootay.
That's the spirit, lady!
- Ignore the voices in your head.
- Do not start wearing black.
- Do not cackle maniacally!
- Don’t kill the Green Lanterns, damn it!
- Do not walk in Sue Dibney’s brain, you crazy shit!
ORANGE – RAPE!
Uh oh! Now things are getting really ugly around here. Now, unless you are like Ayn Rand and you have strange fantasies about architects jumping on you and leaving you with a sore ass, then I got bad news for you: Orange alert is not a very nice alert. So, if you don’t want your life to look like an episode of Oz, then you should keep in mind the information provided here.
- DON’T. DROP. THE. SOAP!
- Wear a chastity belt.
It looks kinda uncomfortable, but Wayne-enterprises makes some really awesome ones. Mine shoots poisoned darts! They are a bit bulky, so it tends to look like you are wearing an adult’s diaper. It still beats playing hide the salami with the Floronic Man or Rainbow Raider.
- If you must pick up something from the floor, do not bend over; bend your knees instead.
If the threat of rape is imminent, try the following:
- Ass against the wall! (only works for boys, and only if the rapist can’t walk through walls)
- Take a dump right there. If it disgusts you, then it will disgust the rapist too. But if anyone asks you how you scared him away, tell him you used kung fu. Whatever the hell happens, just don’t tell your friends you shitted your pants right there, JESUS!
Lines to practice that might save your ass:
- Oh no! First it started to burn when I pee yesterday and now this!
- You are going to rape me? I hope you like sucking dick then, cause I am really a guy (Works wonders if you are Rebis from Doom Patrol).
- I have a vagina dentata and I am not afraid to use it!
RED – DEATH!
Red Alert! Red Alert! The Didio is out for blood! The crappy-plot gods demand sacrifices for the next Crisis; because nothing says “This crisis is serious business” like the death of a character who showed up once in a miniseries back in 1989. The blood of characters nobody gave a darn about twenty years ago is the fuel of the DC revolution today! Death comes to us all as they say, but you can be safer if you follow our instructions.
First of all, you have to determine if you are already dead or not!
How to know you are dead:
Look around you
Are you inside a small, cold place? Are there a half eaten pizza and a jar of mayonnaise nearby?
---YES - Then you are inside Kyle Rayner’s fridge and you are dead!
---NO – Or not.
Is the place hot and steamy? Are there people poking you with things? Are you in chains?
---YES - Is there any fire?
------YES - Then you are dead and you are in hell. Nice going, jerk face!
------NO - Then you are just in Chris Claremont’s sex
------dungeon. DO NOT shake hands with Storm. Ew! And
------don’t kiss it like you are a gentleman or something! GET OUT QUICK!
---NO - Well, lucky you!
Are there tiny footprints on your brain?
---YES – Then yes.
---NO – What? Do you want a cookie or something?
Is there a hole in your chest and blood is coming out?
---YES – Do you have a healing factor?
------YES – Oh well, good for you then.
------NO – SHIT!
---NO – Oh, big deal! Do you think that makes you special or something?
Is your head backwards?
---YES – Are you Plastic Man.
------YES – Then you are alright.
------NO – Are you Linda Blair?
---------YES – Oh, OK then.
---------NO – Are you Maxwell Lord?
------------YES – SHIT!
------------NO – I give up.
---NO - Oh, you were born that way... sorry.
Are you going to show up in a series called Death of the New Gods?
---YES - Are you a New God?
------YES – Nice knowing you, buddy!
------NO – What? You think you are too good to be a New God, jerk?
---NO – Yeah, me neither.
Are you in a ditch?
---YES – Jesus! Is that Gorilla Grodd’s semen?
------YES – I TOLD YOU, DUDE! I TOLD YOU!
------NO – Then whose semen is it?
---NO – Then you wanna go for Chinese?
After assessing how alive or not alive you are, now you need to focus on how much danger you are. Add points whenever it applies:
- You were a member of a light hearted, funny superhero team. +10 points.
- Didio doesn’t know what to do with you. +20 points.
- You are incredibly obscure and possible only Mark Waid remembers you. – 10 points (They can’t kill you if they don’t remember you!).
- You are related to Tim Drake in one way or another. +50 points.
- You are a New God. +Instant Death!
- You think Firefly / Serenity are better than Star Wars. I don’t care what Didio says, I am killing you myself.
- You are a male teenage hero who just lost his virginity. +50 points (Don’t believe me? Guess what the last thing Bart and Kon did before they died was.) This only works for boys though, we girls are safe… but don’t overdo it! Don’t be slutty!
- You heard there is a new Crisis coming up and you thought “Oh boy! I am heading out to help the big guys! This is my chance to join the big leagues!” +20 points.
- You are Batman, Superman or Wonder Woman? -100 points.
- Are you a minority superhero whose book got cancelled? + 40 points.
Ok, I am not exactly sure how this works, but you have to add the points, then carry the two, then divide by the logarithm of the speed of light… square root of the cube… the speed of an African gazelle divided by the number of games in the Dutch football league (second division)… To be or not to be… add a four… DARN! This crap is too complicated. Look, if you manage to get a number, then that’s the number of stab wounds in your chest you are going to have at the end of the day.
Ah, but I can hear you now asking me “Gee, Cissie, you are so smart and good looking and a so much better BFF than that skank Supergirl. Your aura of wisdom and kindness inspires me enough confidence to put my life in your tender, soft and beautifully manicured hands and ask you what can I do to survive in this dangerous multiverse? My name is Paco Jamaal Chang, the new Vigilante, and I and my gay lover used to fight for justice with the Happy Happy Heroes of Happiness. I think I am screwed. What can someone like me do?”
Do not worry, Paco, my friend; do not worry. To the untrained eye, you might look as dead as a three day old piece of roadkill, but not to me, for I have found the way to live no matter what happens! Yes, Paco, and you can learn this secret technique if you read the last part of my guide. But you have to give me a hundred bucks first. Come on, come on! It’s a Franklin, baby, and I think good old Ben Franklin wants to see you alive. That watch of yours is pretty. Give me the watch too. And now, you can finally read the last part and know the secret of immortality… which you should read by kissing my lovely feet.
How to survive death:
There is only one person who has been marked for death by Dan Didio and has managed to survive and laugh at his face! Dick Grayson, Nightwing, was that person! How he did it? Geoff Johns kinda likes him.
So this is the only sure way to survive: become friends with Geoff.
He is the way and the path to salvation.
How to be Geoff John’s pal:
- Send him cookies.
- Buy JSA! It doesn’t matter if you don’t read it, he will never know! What? He takes tests every month… darn.
- If you two are playing Wii… let him win.
Things to say to Geoff Johns:
- “Did you know I was one of the few who read stars and Stripe back in
the day?”(I honestly own all issues. SAVE ME, GEOFF JOHNS!)
- “Infinite Crisis? Better than Watchmen times three, man!” (It helps
if you can keep a straight face).
- “Sometimes, late at night, I like to imagine you are touching me…
with your writing, man! With your writing! Don’t look at me in that
- “I tore off all the pages of 52 that I believe you didn’t write,
because those are not the words of the savior!”
Things not to tell him EVER:
- “Young Justice was so much better than Teen Titans, you totally
ruined the characters!” (It is true, but don’t tell him that if you
want to live! Is Geoff reading this? Oh shit! I don’t wanna die! No,
Mr. Johns, please, please, SAVE ME!)
- "I liked Kyle better."
There you go! Now you have all the information you need to survive in the new DCU. If anyone out there has any ideas or things to add to the survival guide, then please do.